i am very angry. something happened in one of my classes today. we were having a test and as i was halfway through it, i happened to notice that the two people on my right were sitting way too close to each other and talking. this wasn't the first time something like that had happened. in addition, the girl to my right was using her cellphone during the exam. she replied at least three emails/text messages. i've caught blatant cheating in at least three other classes before. at first i said nothing. then i mentioned it to the professors, but never spoke out publicly. that changed today. i whispered, 'what the heck are you guys doing? stop cheating!' there was a short moment of silence while we finished the test. and the firestorm began. the two girls got all indignant and started verbally abusing and scolding me. they tried to justify their actions. i argued back. then this girl said "even if we were cheating, you should just keep quiet." what? NO. NEVER. and that is exactly what i replied. the verbal barrage continued for awhile more till the professor finally stepped in by threatening to throw out both our tests. after the class, i went to see the personal counsellor who took me to see the dean about this matter. i cannot tolerate unethical behavior. i hate people who have no integrity. i despise apathy. i cannot stand for it. i will never stand for it. how can anyone witness an injustice and not speak out? it is bad enough that it has taken me this long to say something publicly but you know what shocked me? the dean and counsellor said that it had never been brought to their attention before. that doesn't mean that blatant cheating has not been going on. it just means that no one has ever had the guts to bring it up. and it means that most people just don't care. what kind of culture teaches people to be so apathetic? how can people lack so much integrity? does honesty mean nothing to these people anymore? did you hear of the 15-year old girl who was gang-raped by at least 10 men after her homecoming dance? did you know that at least twenty people witnessed it but did nothing? http://abcnews.go.com/WN/pastor-california-gang-rape-victim-speaks/Story?id=8974280&page=1 it makes me so incredibly angry. they may as well have been part of the rape itself. it is simply unacceptable. how does anyone just stand and witness a rape and not do anything?! and to film it? can you say, low-class? "mind your own business?" well, if your business is infringing upon the wellbeing of another person, or affecting an exam that others actually studied for, then you can be damned sure i am not buying any of that "mind your own business" stuff. when that happens, it becomes my business as well. suck it up. i feel sorry for this nation and culture that has taught people to be hardened, calloused and apathetic. i would much rather grow up in my third-world country where i at least learned the importance of hard work and integrity than be a part of this apathetic culture. i will not trade my integrity for your material wealth. i would rather be poor than be so pitifully lacking in moral and spiritual wealth. i pity you who clearly doesn't see what the most important things in life are.
i have a million and one photos that i have taken but have not (a) edited (b) uploaded. they are all patiently awaiting for me in lightroom. i will, at some point, get around to doing it.
two weeks have passed. i keep telling myself i should finally do it. to draw the line, and say "okay, this is it." but i can't. i can't bring myself around to doing it. i don't want to. but i should, right? isn't it for the best?
if i were to do it, would you ask me why? fight it? or would you just, as you have in the past, just acquiesce and let me go? what would it be like?
i recently rediscovered rachael yamagata and she's pretty much all i've been listening to. her voice calms me, soothes my soul.
it's come to my attention that i am now perfectly capable of getting through a whole day without talking to a soul, except for perfunctory conversations. "hi." "how's the project?" it's a slightly scary realization, is it not? to think that i can actually be this quiet.
a couple of friends have told me that they think i'm more of an "i" than an "e." are you laughing, thinking that can't possibly be true of carol. but aye, you do not see. i am the strange girl who can't wait to go home, cook dinner, and be alone. the same girl who could stay indoors a whole weekend and be perfectly okay.
today, i re-watched my favorite stillmotion SDE. i want that happiness. someday, i will have it.
one month and ten days. what does this year hold for me? i remember the loneliness and sadness of the past two years. will it be any different?
so... should i do it? can i actually do it? is this really like they say, just rip it off, like a plaster. the faster, the better and the shorter the pain.
you are reminded as to why friends are so important to your existence.
because true friends deliver the hard truth =)
so as it seems i have a couple of weeks to ponder and decide.
after which life may have to undergo a painful adjustment.
but sometimes, or rather, most of the time,
painful adjustments are for the best yet.
for better.
or worse.
dom made a spontaneous, rather impromptu decision to visit nyc for a couple of days. we made a visit to limsuann at her new suite in Columbia... and ended up helping her clean her kitchen :P  lazy to rotate. multiply! you need to add in a "rotate" option here in the blog page!  oh look that's dom's 3/4 obscured face. i have mean friends. let me show you why: (in response to me putting up this photo online with the caption "we went to pinkpau's apartment to do dishes.") (click for high-res)  pfft. and here's a uber cute photo of us:  because we're awesome that way la. it's monday! night classes start today but i have the rest of the day free. dom is still snoozing away but we're going to go to flushing later where we shall be stuffed with fine malaysian food, mmm nomnomnom. iPhone/iPod touch users: download Ping! from the app store. it's an iphone-iphone messaging thing and is temporarily free. download it and we can chat, yays! i'm happy when friends come to visit =)
collection of thoughts over the past few days.
- NYC subway skillz ftw. jumped into the subway at just the right time. don't think the locals were too amused though.
- stupid decisions will be regretted for life.
- these clouds resemble strings of cotton candy that someone flung across the sky and painted in the most beautiful hues of pink, gold and blue.
- came all the way here to sit on Amtrak? right. but on another note, legroom, yo...
- on this day, the rail tracks are dotted with wildflowers.
- grand buffet at fallsview is, well, pretty darned grand. so much food man.
- dessert station is insane. awesome chocolate mousse. decadent. desserts. burp. cheesecake is perfectly exquisite. not too cloying and a nice small serving. all cheesecakes should be served like a small cupcake.
- whatever this small little Italian dessert thing is, it's perfectly awesome.
- if i had known that i could [...], i'd have been more careful about giving my heart away.
- meh nine west outlet was so disappointing.
- i think i've turned into a shopping snob.
- how much more? how deep?
- 3 pants, 1 blazer and 1 blouse for $90 is actually pretty darned good.
- and walk we did, amidst a mist of lightly falling rain.
- you'd love it here, you know.
 | here | Sep 20, '09 1:26 AM
for everyone |
i'm in a place where the skies are endless, breathtakingly, unbelievably blue.  lazy to rotate the photo. sometimes i feel like i never fail to shock myself. i made a couple of bad decisions yesterday, decisions that i feel may trail me for a long time yet. but c'est la vie, i suppose. live learn love. today i gazed out at the sparkling waters of the lake and thought of you. you'd love this place, you know.
fashion week. finals week. yet it's 1.45pm and i haven't done any work today. leaving in about 1.5hours for my shift tonight. A 4pm-11pm shift means i'm most probably working either Nicole Miller and Erin Wasson or Arise: The African Promise Collective and Venexiana combinations. Have never worked any of these shows before, so, yay for new experiences.
got our first conEd electricity/gas bill. I feel so conned. I cannot believe how companies here have the nerve to charge a "DELIVERY CHARGE" on top of the usual supply charge. A delivery charge that is MORE than my supply charge. Nicely topped with additional taxes too.
wang lee hom's "kiss goodbye" randomly played on iTunes just now and suddenly it was as though i was listening to the song for the first time.
"付出的愛收不回 還欠妳的我不能給
我才明白愛最真實的滋味
每一次和妳分開 深深地被妳打敗
每一次放棄妳的溫柔 痛苦難以釋懷
每一次和妳分開 每一次Kiss You Goodbye
愛情的滋味此刻我終於最明白"
i think i finally get it.
i woke up yesterday from a dream that was endlessly beautiful. in that dream, i was happy, deliriously happy, completely loved. i remember the laughter, the smile, the emotions that were so palpable. mutual. reciprocated. joy.
then i woke up. back in the real world. a world where that is not going to happen. a world where my hopes have been cruelly dashed.
and i was devastated. pain gripped my heart, a clenching fist that threatened to squeeze the life out of me. i spent most of the day wandering about in a little daze, melancholy, despondent, sad, and blinking back tears everytime i thought about it.
do you know what i dreamt about?
i dreamt about happiness.
a happiness that i cannot have.
how bittersweet it is to realize things haven't changed much, despite how hard you've tried.
grit your teeth. steel your heart. push it out of your mind.
you are back at square one, but you can move forward. you will move forward. it will be as though this never happened.
it wasn't that long ago that i found myself having to close my eyes, set my lip and blink tears away as that familiar little squeezing sensation caught me off-guard.
tonight i walked out from the movie and realized that the whole time, i had been reminded of things i can only dream of, things that will not happen for me.
and now, every cell in my body screams, hide, carol, hide. retreat into your shell lest that immense hurt descend upon you once again. keep plodding on. push this aside. just. keep. plodding. on.
must be strong.
一定要坚强。
VERY RAMBLING. HUMOR ME.today i want to tell you about my dinner and what i bought while grocery shopping. i also want to tell you about my carol moments. had a super craving for homecooked, as in, FOOD MY MUM WOULD COOK BACK HOME, food today. i was dying just thinking about stuff like corn with eggs and minced meat, sweet corn soup, baked beans with egg in tomato sauce.. you get the picture. mmm nomnomnom. so i made myself a super kuching-mummy-would-cook-this-too dinner of some stir-fried 小白菜, corn with minced meat and egg, a sausage, and some rice ^___^ enough to make me happy. so satisfying. MMMM. i also cooked extra rice so i think i'll be cooking fried rice tomorrow! *excited* i shall do it kinda mummy-style too. i'm thinking fried rice with sausages, corn, egg.. and some other random stuff tossed in. and, of course, special fried rice spice from home!! :D ooh if i were to wake up early enough i could prolly cook and pack it to school... ---------------- i bought a vase and some flowers today :) i went to the super nice florist and bought a single rose that's cream and pink on the petal edges and a stalk of stock. the super nice florist gave me a big stalk of baby's breath and these, uh, leaves to make a nice arrangement ^__^ and a packet of flower food for the water. $5! let me show you what the arrangement looks like :)  the rose is for granny. as always. you know what? the flowers smell SO awesome. i think i am not above buying flowers for my room every couple of weeks hehehe. and doesn't it look nice on my windowsill :) i keep catching wafts of the fragrance and it makes me very very happy. ----------------------------- and i tidied the house and packed away my groceries very carefully. i'm a container maniac did you know that? i bought this whole set of containers from ikea and they've come in handy. i have my minced meat separated into three servings, each serving in one small container so i don't have to defrost them all at once :D such a brilliant idea... :D i also have like random spices and in containers - they stack beautifully and look so much more presentable. ^______^ being domesticated is quite fun hahaha. --------------------- actually i'm kinda tired now so GOODNIGHT. no carol moment stories for today. SORRY. /twirls away.
| 一定要 | Aug 30, '09 7:21 PM
for everyone |
but that's not entirely a bad thing. :) three weeks and counting, and i have maintained a beautifully neat room. for those who know me, that is quite an accomplishment in itself. i don't think i've ever maintained a neat room for more than a week. but this! * sweeping hand gestures* this is landmark. okay let me take some photos right now of the room :) and now, photos while i tell you why i feel like a housewife. or rather, why i feel domesticated. 1. I clean my kitchen!For those who know me, I really am not the cleanest/tidiest person. far from it. i hate doing dishes. i grudgingly clean stoves. but not anymore! lizzie you will be so proud of me. i clean my used utensils while cooking and do my dishes immediately after eating. as in, i don't leave it in the sink for hours while i do some other thing. also, i clean the stove all the time, and wipe down all the counters. it may seem normal to some of you, but it's very novel to me! i'm not used to this side of me! but i like it. a lot. 2. I clean my bathroom! seriously speaking, i don't think i've ever cleaned a bathroom before. in fact, i think the first ever bathroom i cleaned is the guys' bathroom in boston. that was.. last sunday, haha. but today, i cleaned my bathroom. :) seriously, cleaning bathrooms isn't the most interesting topic, though, so i'll spare you the details. all you need to know is that my bathroom is sparkling clean at the moment. 3. i clean the house.yes i do! i've been fastidiously sweeping the floor. well, as fastidious as someone like me can be, that is. i guess i sweep the floor a couple of times a week... hmm, i really should be more particular about that though. haven't mopped the floor yet though, because we have yet to buy a mop.. but i'm going to get that done this week. :) 4. my table is neat!my. table. is. neat. do you know what an accomplishment that is! *beams* to be fair, though, i have these two organizer trays called "everything" trays :D that's where i put my things.. in those neat little compartments i'm crazy about. including my keys. PHILIP LOH, i don't lose my keys anymore ^_____^  see that black tray? that's one of my two everything trays.. the other is behind the laptop :P 5. I fold my clothes!actually i'm having second thoughts about telling everyone all this information. haha but whatever. ya i usually hate folding clothes! for the longest time, i've either had a) people folding my clothes for me (that was when i lived back home) b) hung everything up, folding only clothes i know i will never touch. but now not only do i fold most of my clothes, i sort them out according to color hahahaha. * bangga* as a result, i now have about 347298 hangers that i don't use. they are now sitting in one of my luggage bags.  6. my room is neat! this is the part i'm proudest of: a room that is actually neat. one that i don't need to scramble to clean/tidy a few hours before expecting visitors. one that i can immediately show people without feeling embarrased. a room that i feel exceedingly at home and cozy in. one that i take so much pride in, because i know that i was the one who put it together.  before  after even i never imagined when i first saw this room that it could be so gorgeous :) but i really put a lot of thought into organizing and decorating it, so i must say i am very proud of myself :) i think this change just may be for good, i am more than happy about it. people used to say things like, "oh, carol can cook and she's takes care of people.. but the whole cleanliness thing.. well.." and i'd feel really bad! like i was not ready to date/get married because i wasn't neat and tidy. well then maybe now i can! hahahahahahahahha. take that! :P
i don't usually double post but today's an exception. dear granny, i miss you.  i was just viewing through maddie's wedding photos and i thought about you and how happy you would have been to see her get married. they say it gets easier. i don't think it does. because i still miss you so much. so much so that i'm sitting here typing this as tears stream down my face. what i would give to see you again. to talk to you. to hug you and play with your hair. this is the first year i'm unable to physically go to your grave at cheras and lay down white roses. but i'm going to buy some later and put them on my windowsill and think of you. this is the pain of losing someone you love. while looking through the photos, i thought of so much. i thought of the happiness on maddie's face, on her husband's face. i thought of you and how you would have smiled and laughed on such a joyous occasion. i love you so much. i could go on to talk about how i know you're at peace now and very happy to be with God... but that doesn't make the pain any less easy to bear. you led a life worth remembering. i can only hope to lead one that is half as impactful and inspiring. 我非常的想念您。 this pain doubles me up inside. i remember the faith that you had, how you would always remind me to love, trust and serve God. how you trusted and praised him even in your most painful moments. when even in pain you murmured, 感谢主耶稣。 and i want that faith you had. Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. 26She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. 27She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. 28Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: 29"Many(AE) women have done(AF) excellently, but you surpass them all." another year goes by. but i love you forever and ever and ever and can't wait to see you again. this was written in year 1.
... is found in the strangest of places. i don't even know where/how i found it this past weekend but i did. maybe it was when the wind was blowing my hair as the boat sped across the water. maybe it was while i happily took photos. or it could be when i watched the kids play in the frog pond. and maybe it was just in those quiet moments when no talking was needed. whatever/however it was, i know i found contentment, peace, trust, and happiness.  :) **photos are found here
| weekend | Aug 13, '09 4:13 PM
for everyone |
I'm a few minutes away from my destination :) here's to a weekend of happiness and laughter.
I also decided to not bring my camera and laptop. Easily one of the more radical decisions I have made.
And now, let the getaway begin. :) I'm back where I found a lot of happiness.
| hi :) | Aug 8, '09 10:52 PM
for everyone |
i've moved houses.
i have a new room. it is absolutely incredible. wait till i'm done with it (10% more!) and I'll put up photos. let's just say that i take a lot of pride in this room :)
today, i discovered the wonders of threadcount. how do i even begin to describe this?
i'm a very, very ordinary Malaysian girl. I grew up sleeping on single beds and using the bedsheets my mum would buy. In a place like Kuching and with a mum like mine (read: practical), "threadcount" is not something you place a lot of importance on. bedsheets are bedsheets la.
it's not like i didn't know what threadcount was. i just never realized how incredible nice sheets are.
i bought 2 sets of bedsheets today - a 300-thread count cotton-poly blend set and a 400-thread count 100% cotton set. I took it out and i was taken aback by how soft it was.
now i can't stop touching them and going "so soft!!!"
there was this really nice 500-thread count sheet set too but it was $40 so... I passed on it.
i love my new bedsheets =) and pillowcases!
my room is seriously, incredibly beautiful and cozy. sometimes even i can't believe i am the one who put it together. i am striving to keep it clean and neat because, well, it's just way too pretty to turn into a disaster zone.
the only thing missing now is a big corkboard that i will put up on the wall next to my bed. i will then stick all the beautiful, encouraging letters/notes/postcards that people i love have written to me, as well as photos of places/people that i love the most. then i will gaze at it whenever i'm lonely/happy/homesick/disappointed/upset and realize that there are people who love me, places that i want to return to, people whom i want to meet again =) hmm, come to think of it, some cork squares would be awesome as well. or smaller corkboards.
okay now excuse me while i end this inane and kinda rambling entry and write a couple of papers... :)
i am very happy to be sitting here with the desklamp shining on the laptop, listening to the whirr of the fan, a song by sakamoto maya playing in the background and enjoying this feeling of solace.
i'm growing up, people. I really, really am.
this weekend, I'm handing over the deposit and rent for a leased apartment. an apartment I'm going to be sharing with a friend. isn't that awesome? this is not just a room.. it's a whole, gorgeous, three-bedroom apartment that actually has a balcony and a manhattan skyline view. :)
I just came from a magazine photoshoot that I got an opportunity to help out with. how's that? I'm incredibly happy and excited. yes, it's tiring, demanding, full of diva and artisic temperament.. but I love it. and it shows in my work ethic.
this, and my experience this past weekend at the ENK Collective has only served to confirm that I love this path that I have chosen to pursue. it makes me excited; I thrive under these conditions. I can only hope that this never, ever changes.
this magazine photoshoot was for a new magazine that is set to be launched in October. the prelaunch party was yesterday in SoHo and was where I got to meet a couple of people. I think events and parties like such just may be the least-liked but totally necessary part of this industry/career. having to make small talk and kinda like 'sell' myself - as in what I do and that, hey, guess what, I'm graduating in 9 months and I'm going to need a job, thank you very much - tires me out. I'm not the biggest fan of meeting people this way.
but that aside, i love every moment of this.
on a kinda funny note, I found myself thinking, 'hey I need a Linkedin account asap!' but I immediately felt like I was selling out. :(
on a personal note, I'm also dealing with this weird and funny little thing that you may be well acquainted with. I hesitate to spell it out in words and to place a label on it because I really do not know what it is. I must state that the past week has been a weird confluence of confusion and also clarity. I'm not sure about some things anymore, which I suppose is a good thing, and at the same time, it's clear to me that something wonderfully strange is happening. besides, there's this one word that I cannot bring myself to say unless I am totally convinced that it's the right word use. it's not time yet. I don't know when the kairos time will be. but I am content to wait and continue on, because what awaits me on the other side of this mountain is bound to exceed my expectations.
isn't this exciting? are you happy for me? suddenly I feel like I actually have a shot at really making it.
but know what? it's all just been overwhelming favor from this special person in my life, to whom I owe everything - my life, character, experiences, and dreams. where would I go, what would I be, had you not rescued me? I am forever indebted.
--------------------------
sunday, July 27
I wrote the above portion while on the train to hand over the deposit for the apartment last Tuesday. as I type this now, i'm sitting on the balcony of my new apartment. there's a lovely breeze and I have the sneaky suspicion that this is going to be one of my favorite spots in the entire house. I spent much of the weekend buying and moving things - especially last Friday, props to Lowell for being brave enough to drive a 10ft UHaul truck for me, haha, as we went around picking up furniture for the house and trying to silently move it up 2 flights of stairs in the middle of the night. achievement, I tell you.
I've been fixing up a lot of random little things as well - side tables, lamps, cupboards, and also attending to small little details that makes a house a hone that usually slips by unnoticed: a hand towel holder for the bathroom, paper towels, hand soap etc. it's almost as though this place is a little project of mine; right now when I look around, I see bits and pieces of me. isn't that a great feeling to have?
I took some time to explore this neighborhood awhile ago, and I must say that I am quite charmed by it. grocery stores are pretty nearby, and there are oh so many cages and restaurants that I'm dying to try out. best part is, a lot of the places here deliver too. score one for this location.
in five days, I will officially be inhabiting this new place. words cannot express how thrilled I am to have a new start of sorts. I'm looking forward to living with great people, hosting friends who drop by (this is where certain people are like, yes!! haha), and I guess continuing this exciting journey of life.
wow. I really AM growing up, huh? :)
I'm going to avoid blogging in an emo manner as has been the case for quite a number of my recent entries. And this entry has to be a little quick and brief (haha yeah right, carol) because I'm going to be working the whole day tomorrow at a menswear exhibition. I am incredibly excited for this opportunity; as usual, the whole rationale behind this is "I don't care if I don't get paid, I just want the experience and the opportunity to meet people."  clarification: yes I know this ruins my layout, but how else would it be properly displayed in semi-panoramic glory?This is a quick and totally unblended stitch I put together for the first time ever! Unblended because it went wonky when I tried to do so. And the output TIFF file was ridiculously large. I'm glad I upgraded my RAM. Now I understand why a friend told me to take photos that I want to stitch in portrait.. it helps a lot in usable output. Oh, I met up with Erlee and Lowell today. :) But in a Classic Carol moment, I went out with my camera... and no SD card. Brilliant. ...... and many hours later it's now 3am and I should go to bed. So I guess I did keep this short after all. it's getting easier. little by little. step by step. but i still..... nvm.
| hellish | Jul 13, '09 10:33 PM
for everyone |
today has been hellish and the night looms ahead.
i am so exhausted. part of me feels like breaking down but i cannot afford to do that because time is of the essence. there are many things that i need to get done.
i'm drawing upon every single ounce of strength that i have and crying out for God to give me more, because what i have right now is not enough.
trudging. through. the. night.
it hurts. i need grace. i need strength. i need You.
| all joy | Jul 12, '09 12:33 PM
for everyone |
"2Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials(F) of various kinds, 3for you know that(G) the testing of your faith (H) produces steadfastness. 4And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be(I) perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."trials are painful, especially when they test your faith so brutally. faith that God has a great plan. faith that God knows best. faith that it will all work out. so here it begins. after those happy moments, the challenging moments which i knew were around the corner have finally come to meet me. how long will this take? a week? a month? i don't know. right now, almost every moment hurts. i can hardly go through ten minutes without thinking about it. but it will get better. as i let go of my human dreams and strength. as i continue to trust in He who holds my days in the palm of His hand. as i stubbornly cling on the hope, joy, perserverance, truth, faith, and love. 1Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and(A) sin which clings so closely, and(B) let us run(C) with endurance the race that is(D) set before us, 2looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith,(E) who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising(F) the shame, and(G) is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.
run. what a race this has shaped up to be . but You will see me through it.
as for you and me, I pray for clarity, discernment, wisdom, and sensitivity. when He speaks, may our hearts and ears be open to hear and most importantly, obey. whether for better or worse. God I need every ounce of strength you have for me.
Have you ever felt this strange feeling of security? It's the kind where you really do not know what is going to happen but you know things are going to work out well. The kind that gives you a very weird sort of peace; the type that enables you to still walk around with a smile. I've been feeling that weird feeling for a few days. Once I got past the initial stage of terror and fear, this.... security settled over me. It feels good, you know. Just to let you know, my original housing thing did not quite work out due to some circumstances. Boo. However, I am currently on apartment-hunting mode with a friend. I MUST move out by the end of the month, so keep your fingers crossed for me! Will be viewing a couple of places today and tomorrow. I did not hear a door clanging shut. Maybe that's why.
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